Home Life Laurie Nigro The daily monologue: communicating with a 13-year-old son

The daily monologue: communicating with a 13-year-old son

This week, I attended a wonderful business presentation about communication. As a woman with a college degree in communication, I was happy to see the importance granted to a topic that is often overlooked or trivialized, though we can’t get through too many of our waking moments without it.

Every good employer sees the intense need for communication training. When I accepted my first managerial role as a young, fresh-out-of-college kid, I was thrilled to have a regimented training that helped me to properly and effectively deal with my co-workers.

Once I left the work force and put all my energies into mothering and wife-ing (that should definitely be a verb), I had the good fortune to volunteer for an international organization that focused on supporting mothers and babies. New, emotionally raw and exhausted mothers need gentle guidance, delivered in a non-judgmental and open manner. This does not come easily to everyone and our intense communication workshops taught us amazing skills that still come in handy, nearly every day.

As a matter of fact, I heard a lot of the same language in the seminar I attended this week. In every training I have been through, there is always a huge emphasis on being a good listener and being mindful of your words and body language.

I would like to suggest that all middle schools, everywhere in the world, institute a mandatory, multi-year class on this subject. If the child does not get an A in the class, he or she must repeat the course until able to make eye contact with an adult human and speak full, multi-word sentences that do not include mumbling.

I pick my kids up from school, work, extra-curricular activities, friends’ houses and any other place where they cannot safely walk or hitchhike. Just kidding. I know that terrible things happen to hitchhikers and my kids are totally kidnap-able. They’d go fast on the black market.

Anyway, this allows us many one-on-one opportunities to chat. Lots of parenting books suggest that this is the best time to talk to kids because they don’t have the pressure of making eye contact. I would counter that they also don’t have the pressure of putting down the electronic device that has grown into the skin of his/her hand.

Well, that’s not really fair. My wee, Wonder Woman of Words has absolutely no problem relaying all sorts of information to me. Most of it is delivered at a speed that only an auctioneer could keep up with, but there is no shortage of facts. Sometimes, there is no shortage of fiction. Most of the time, it goes into my brain, is quickly classified as either unimportant or holy-crap-we’re-going-to-need-intense-therapy-for-that, and then before I can respond, she has moved on to something else. I rarely worry when she is quiet. Rather, I cherish the silence like a withered Gollum cherishes his precious ring.

But that other child I spawned is dangerously close to mute. Unless it’s about a video game, in which case he can spout ridiculous facts that no one, not even the game developer, could possibly care about, he is a man of few words.

This is when I’ve tried relying on my many years of communication training for assistance. The first rule is to really listen, to hear what the person is saying to you. However, when I am driving, avoiding eye contact so as to reduce pressure on his fragile psyche (and to avoid crashing and killing us) and ask how his class/work/visit with a friend went, I hear, “Good.”

OK, not a lot to work with there. All my training says to repeat it back, be sure you understand what the other person is trying to say, “Oh great! So you had a productive day/nice time?”

“Um hmm.”

“Was it busy/were other kids there?”

“Mmm.”

I’m not sure that the “mmms” properly convey the noise that seeps from between his lips. This is not a noise that says that something is tasty or delicious. This noise is akin to exhaling and adding just a hint of volume. I would say it’s most closely related to a snore, but with less thought attached to it.

You may notice that the more questions I ask, the shorter and less word-like the answers become. So that’s kind of a fail.

I move on to body language. I make sure mine conveys openness. I give him a gentle smile. I sit up straight and make sure my arms are not crossed (again, since I’m driving, this posture would be a problem). I am a beacon of light and warmth in a cold, harsh teenage world.

I’m not sure he really notices, as he is bent over in such a way that I wonder if he shouldn’t be a medical case study as the first teenager with a Dowager’s hump. As an active listener, I hear his body language saying, “When will this lady shut up?” Or, “Is she going to start talking about her feelings? Again?” Perhaps even, “Is it possible to completely meld with this seat?”

However, it’s most likely that he is not even remotely thinking about me, in any way, shape or form. The only thing his body language is really trying to convey is that he’s a teenager and he worships the God of the inter-webs.

I am just a boring and inane figurehead who, though useful as a finder and cleaner of all his things (and some other stuff), is not really relevant. Unless he’s hungry. Thank God he’s growing at a rate that requires near constant caloric intake and craves meat like a caveman. For that, at least, he must speak to me. Or he’s definitely getting a vegan quinoa burger.

Though that sounds awful to most growing boys, it’s actually one of my favorites. Yes, I’m totally THAT mom.

I modified a bulgar recipe from Epicurious to fit our gluten-free needs and I still love it.

Quinoa burgers

Ingredients

1/2 cup chopped onion, divided
1 tablespoon olive oil plus additional for brushing
1/2 cup quinoa
1 cup water
1 cup canned pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1 1/2 tablespoon soy sauce
3/4 cup walnuts
2 garlic cloves, coarsely chopped
1/2 cup packed cilantro sprigs
3/4 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon cayenne

Preparation

Cook half of onion with 1/4 teaspoon salt in oil in a small heavy saucepan over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until golden, 5 to 7 minutes. Add quinoa and water and cook, covered, over low heat until water is absorbed, 15 to 18 minutes. Transfer to a bowl and stir in beans and soy sauce.

Pulse quinoa mixture, walnuts, garlic, cilantro, cumin, cayenne, a rounded 1/4 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon pepper, and remaining onion in a food processor until finely chopped.

Form rounded 1/2 cups of mixture into 4 patties. Chill at least 10 minutes.

Prepare grill for direct-heat cooking over medium-hot charcoal (medium heat for gas). Put a perforated grill sheet on grill and preheat 10 minutes.

Brush patties all over with oil.

Oil grill sheet, then grill burgers on grill sheet, covered only if using a gas grill, carefully turning once, until golden brown, about 8 minutes total.


Note: 
Burgers can be cooked on the stove. Heat 1 tablespoon oil in a 12-inch heavy skillet over medium heat until it shimmers, then cook patties, carefully turning once, until golden brown, about 8 minutes total.
Uncooked patties can be chilled, covered, up to 4 hours.

horizontal-rule_red_500px
Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street.

 

[contact-form-7 id=”27986″ title=”Write to Laurie”]

SHARE
Laurie Nigro
Laurie is the mother of two biological children and one husband and the caretaker of a menagerie of animals. Laurie is passionate about frugal, natural living. She was recognized by the L.I. Press Club with a “best humor column” award in 2016. Email Laurie