Home Life Laurie Nigro Useless holes, discarded toys, abandoned shoes and overflowing trash: why you shouldn’t...

Useless holes, discarded toys, abandoned shoes and overflowing trash: why you shouldn’t mow without music

This was a particularly stressful week. My first-born had his first regents, my second-born had her year-end ballet performance and a spelling bee. There was also a smattering of field trips, parties and awards nights. Nigro_Laurie_badgeWhich means I had all the extra obligations and expectations of a proud mom – like rewarding them for all the things they’ve accomplished, won or just plain finished. I think I have purchased more ice cream in the last week than in the previous weeks of the year combined.

So when I headed outside to mow the lawn one evening, I thought I would use the white noise of the mower to help focus my thoughts and have a little time to reflect and contemplate. Just kidding. I forgot my headphones inside and once I got started, I was too lazy to go back in the house and get them.

Turns out, I really need the distraction of loud music. Otherwise, I actually have time to think about all the things that really annoy me. And when I come back inside, instead of tired, dirty and distracted Laurie, I am tired, dirty and focused Laurie who can’t believe she married such a thoughtless, cruel man or spawned such evil, lazy children.

As I pushed my 75-pound lawn mower over our quarter-acre of dirt and weeds (most of them green so I count that as grass), I nearly went into traction when I stepped into the third, knee-deep hole my dogs had dug.

Briefly, I wondered, “Why do dogs dig these useless holes, in random spots across the lawn?”

I get the one under the fence; they’re trying to tunnel out. Although, I think it’s a foolish game as they will find no personalized dog bed, bottomless bowl of water or giant biscuits on the other side. But mid-lawn holes? Why? And then I remember, I don’t really want to know, I just want it to stop. Because when the nut grass, or whatever the hell it’s called, gets to be a foot tall in four days, it can camouflage the craters. And no one wants me to break an ankle. Because then they’d have to empty the bathroom garbage.

What is it about the bathroom garbage that makes the people around me ignore the overflowing tissues and q-tips? I get that it’s gross. By definition, all garbage is gross. And certainly raw-meat-kitchen garbage is as horrifying, if not more so, than a few strands of dental floss and a used up tube of toothpaste. And yet, that trash gets brought outside without a second thought while the bathroom garbage is like a cold sore on the tip of your nose that everyone sees, but no one will acknowledge. Come on. Pick up some Abreva and get that thing out of here before I catch something.

Another lovely thought I was able to contemplate while maneuvering my nearly ridiculously over-sized mower between the nine raised beds that harbor empty plant packs and other assorted trash between them, is why these people I call family leave their shite everywhere. I mean, everywhere. What thoughts go through their minds when they walk into the house, take off their shoes DIRECTLY in front of the door and then keep walking? Why would a person leave items in a place where other people, generally those whom they claim to love, are destined to come across them, probably not notice, and trip, barely missing the edge of the counter with his/her forehead? Oh right, I don’t care why. Just freaking move your shoes.

When I was crashing from the adrenalin rush caused by the near impaling I escaped from the plastic toy that became a deadly projectile when run over by a spinning, metal, mower blade, I had to review the mistakes I had made as a parent. Why do they think fairies, gnomes or feral cats are going to magically come around and gleefully remove the random trash these thankless children have deposited about our property? Have I, somehow, led my completely able-bodied offspring to believe that magic exists? Because I’m pretty much considered the crusher of dreams and hopes. After all, I am the woman who threatened the end of Christmas if my (at the time, 6 and 9 year old) kids did not keep their rooms clean from Halloween on. Why would they assume this particular trash would disappear into a fairy tale landfill? That’s right, I don’t care. Just stop it. Stop. It.

Angry and depressed, I put the mower away and headed inside. Before I could break my arse on the shoes, I was greeted by three of the most adoring and passionate souls. They poured their hearts into the welcome and I could feel the love oozing off of them.

My dogs didn’t care that I was only outside for 45 minutes, they gushed on me like I had been to ‘Nam and they had been praying for my safe return for a year. The warm fuzzies had begun. I started to chase away the gray and welcome the light. Until I realized that their joy was not for my general return, but because my return signaled the opportunity for food. Though it was eight at night, they had not yet had dinner.

Even though the animals eat twice a day, every single day, if I do not remind the people who claim to be my relatives of this fact, each of our 11 animals would die a slow and painful death from starvation. Why? All of my children (and for the sake of ease, let’s include my husband in the “child” category) eat multiple times per day. All of them have had pets their entire lives. And yet, the idea that these dependent beasts need food to sustain them is, somehow, a foreign concept. God help us all when they have their own kids one day. And God help Brian if I ever drop dead before him. Actually, God help everyone around Brian. He’ll be just fine.

If you do happen to fall into one of the holes about my yard and break something, don’t expect anyone to come and help you. Their self-importance has made them deaf to your cries. Instead, employ the advice of survivalbased.com and make a splint to secure the injury until help arrives.

Procuring a Stiff Object

The best option for creating a splint is to obtain some sort of stiff object that will keep the limb in place until medical assistance is available. This can be anything from a stick to a piece of wood, cardboard, broom handle, umbrella handle or hard plastic. (Laurie’s note: if you happen to fall in the back yard, you can find any number of these items littered about the place) If you can, carefully cleanse any open wounds before affixing the splint to the injured limb. Place the stiff object against the limb; if you have two pieces to work with, position them on either side of the limb for additional support. Use fabric pieces to secure the object(s) to the arm or leg. Additional security measures may also be utilized to keep the limb from moving, such as duct tape over the fabric pieces.

Alternative Options

If no stiff objects are available to create a splint, the next best thing is a pillow or towel. Wrapping the injured arm or leg in a pillow provides a nice cushion, and can be secured with duct tape. One or several towels secured with duct tape could also help if nothing else is available–anyway it’s better than nothing! If using a towel or blanket, roll it up as tightly as possible. Other items that work in terms of securing a splint include purse straps, belts, neckties and clothing pieces.

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Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street.

 

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Laurie Nigro
Laurie is the mother of two biological children and one husband and the caretaker of a menagerie of animals. Laurie is passionate about frugal, natural living. She was recognized by the L.I. Press Club with a “best humor column” award in 2016. Email Laurie