Home Life Laurie Nigro A family vacation without the women: #giddyhusband #beafraid

A family vacation without the women: #giddyhusband #beafraid

I am going on vacation. I am leaving for five days and will be traveling outside of the country. I will be accompanying two of my favorite people in the world, my mother and my sister. However, if you quickly do the math, you will realize that three of my other favorite people in the world were not included. Logic allows one to deduce that I am leaving the confines of the United States of America and my husband and children are staying behind. The children and I are all a little afraid. My husband is nearly giddy.

The situation becomes even more terrifying when I add in the fact that while I am wandering through the beautiful streets of Barcelona, my husband will be responsible for not only keeping the children and pets alive, but also for taking them on their own vacation. Without me. Or even my mother. Or any adult female.

As a matter of fact, the contingent that will be packing up, a la the Griswolds, includes my family, my father, my brother-in-law (remember that my sister will also be off the continent), his four children and another of my nieces. There are three teenage girls amongst this group. And they are terrified.

The house will have three adult men, seven dependent offspring and three dogs. My nieces only recently found out about this small detail and had many questions.

Seventeen-year-old niece number one, “What do you mean Aunt Laurie isn’t coming with us? Am I in charge?”

Seventeen-year-old niece number two, “Wait — what?”

Nineteen-year-old niece number one is unable to join us, but I feel her thoughts are best expressed by her younger cousin, nineteen-year-old niece number two, who will be the eldest offspring in attendance:

Stunned silence.

And I cannot blame them. This is a recent Facebook post my husband made:

I go on vacation in 10 days, the first three days there will be no women to mediate my poor judgment!!‪ #‎kayakinghudsoncanyon‬,‪ #‎wearingclothsthatdontmatch‬, ‪#‎beer‬,‪ #livingoffthefatoftheland‬, ‪#‎dismayedchildren‬, #beafraid

Seriously.

This is a man who is living under the misguided notion that it’s 1973 and al the rules of parenting during that era are still applicable today. Bike riding everywhere, even if you’re not sure where everywhere is? Sounds like a learning opportunity! Spending hours alone in a vacation house without parental supervision? He survived so it must be good! Hungry children who haven’t had a bite of food since breakfast? Well, they should’ve asked (never mind that they couldn’t find him).

My children and I have been meeting in secret. We are developing survival strategies for those first three days when they are, essentially, on their own. Sure, grandpa will be there. But this is a man who actually raised kids in the 1970s. All the aforementioned parenting tidbits are perfectly reasonable to him. Plus, he will be on vacation. When you’re retired and go on vacation, you’re barely required to stay awake. And often, he does not stay awake. So, I’m not hopeful he will be the children’s saving grace.

My brother-in-law will also be a part of this anarchistic vacation. He is an upstanding citizen and an all-around wonderful guy. But he finds my husband endlessly amusing. I think he’s waiting for the shite show that is Brian, to entertain him. And really, can you blame him?

At least my kids know how to dial 911. Plus, I’ve put them through years of survival camp. When I sent them out into the wilderness in a snowstorm In February, cloaked in snowsuits and heavy boots, following a man who wore bearskins, I knew it would one day bear fruit. That one day, I could leave them alone with their father for three days and they would survive. They may need years of therapy to deal with the emotional scarring, but at least they can start a fire in the snow.

They also learned to make fishing materials from grass. Really. Since they were fairly young at the time, I’m including the instructions here. I want to be sure they’re prepared to stave off starvation.

Instructables.com has this awesome how-to on surviving in the wilderness. I will be printing this out and taping it inside their pillowcases. Pray for them.

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Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street.
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Laurie Nigro
Laurie is the mother of two biological children and one husband and the caretaker of a menagerie of animals. Laurie is passionate about frugal, natural living. She was recognized by the L.I. Press Club with a “best humor column” award in 2016. Email Laurie