Home Life Laurie Nigro When a woman likes basketball and whiskey better than makeup and shopping:...

When a woman likes basketball and whiskey better than makeup and shopping: What’s a girl to do?

I am terrible at girl-ing. I can’t stand my fingernails if they extend past the end of my fingers. I don’t do my hair. Ever. I wear it in a bun and often begrudge the few seconds it takes to wrap it up. I wear very little make-up and on the rare occasion when I do try to apply anything more than lipstick, I end up looking like I’m headed to the street corner for the evening. With a few of my clown friends.

I don’t know the first thing about Dancing with the Stars and have pushed my own children out of the way to watch Odell Beckham Jr. catch a ball. I can shower, dress and be in the car in 13 minutes. Eleven is my record, but I forgot shoes, so I don’t count that one. And I hate the mall. I hate it so much. I hate the assault on my senses and I hate the blatant consumerism that yells, “you’re not good enough unless you buy whatever the hell we’re selling.”

When I was a kid and other girls were wondering for which Cabbage Patch Kid their parents would fight another parent, I was wondering which sweater St. John’s basketball coach Lou Carnesecca would wear to the next game. (He was famous for his sweaters. I guess you had to be there.) And when my classmates were celebrating the international release of Madonna’s first album, I was celebrating Georgetown’s epic loss in the NCAA men’s basketball finals.

I’m much happier in a dive bar that smells like stale booze and old sweat. It’s unpleasant, but nobody expects anything from you. Just don’t order a cosmo because it’s likely the closest approximation is the guy at the end of the bar that everyone calls Gonzo. And don’t touch anything.

I have been told, by more than one person, that I am much more like a man than a woman. I suppose I could read a lot into that, but I choose to acknowledge it’s accuracy and move on. Because I don’t read into what people say. Which is why I appreciate the male species’ directness.

I had a guy friend in high school who once told me, “Turn around, go back in the house and change. That is not working for you.”

So I did. And I was thankful. Because I had someone in my life that would not allow me to leave the house looking like a train wreck. At no point did I wonder what his motives were. It was clear: he didn’t want to be seen with a train wreck. Simple. Direct. Honest. We’re still friends today.

I was baffled the first time a grade school girlfriend said something to me, only to find out she told another friend something completely different. Which explains why, by college graduation, I had exactly two female friends. And they, too, were baffled by the whole mean girl thing. If you hate someone, stay away from them. If you like them, spend more time with them. Subliminal messages and backstabbing seem like way too much work.

What I did have to figure out pretty early on was that being ungirly makes one somewhat of an anomaly to other woman. Some feel pity for you when you stab yourself in the eye whilst trying to apply mascara, which causes the mascara to run down your face, leaving you looking like you’ve entered an Alice Cooper look-alike contest.

So they take you on as their own personal project, sure that immersion therapy will be the answer, and force full-day mall trips and make-overs on your unsuspecting self. I appreciate the effort, really. But remember, I can be out of the house in 13 minutes. When it takes longer than that to just find all the make-up that needs to be applied, I’m out.

Others like to have you with them when they go out because they know that you will put an end to any unwanted advances. Where she may feel uncomfortable putting off an “admiring” suitor, I never have a problem telling him to take his sorry, drunk, cologne-basted self, with his comments that are not nearly complimentary but just crass and immature, back to the bar. And also, don’t even look in this general direction again.

And then there are those that see you as a threat. Your ease with men causes them to think you’re trying to steal theirs. Listen, let’s be clear. I have no interest in any man other than the one I have.

First, mine is pretty great. Actually, he’s more than great, he’s my other half, my best friend, and every day, I am overwhelmed by the many blessings he has brought into my life. But, he’s a lot of work. In fact, he exhausts me on a fairly regular basis. There is no way I am taking on somebody else’s man-child.

Second, if I didn’t adore my husband, why the hell would I want another one? Particularly one who would cheat on the woman in his life? That just doesn’t make one bit of sense. I’m much more likely to try and convince you to be my new bestie so we can hang out. And you can help me fold laundry. Because I bet you can fold a fitted sheet. Or any sheet, really.

Then, I’m going to go watch football and drink whiskey.

A woman once saw me order a jack on the rocks at the bar and told me she was now scared of me. I never really understood why, but if you, also, like to drink whiskey but don’t want to terrify the clientele, ask for an umbrella. That seems to make people feel better.

Or just stay home. Add try to figure out how to do your hair. My poor girly-girl daughter has begging me for years to learn how to make fancy braids. I feel a little guilty so I’ve decided to watch some videos to try and figure it out. If you, too, can’t tell a French braid from a German braid (I don’t even think that’s a thing) you can watch some how-to video’s at beautylish.com. Wish me luck.

 

Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street.
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Laurie Nigro
Laurie is the mother of two biological children and one husband and the caretaker of a menagerie of animals. Laurie is passionate about frugal, natural living. She was recognized by the L.I. Press Club with a “best humor column” award in 2016. Email Laurie