Home Opinion In My Opinion Finding freedom from fear and worry

Finding freedom from fear and worry

“Mommy, did you know, Jesus loves us anyway, even when we are afraid? He loves us so much. That’s in the Bible,” the little boy proudly proclaimed.

I overheard this profoundly simple life lesson emanating from one very adorable boy as he and his mom were walking to school. I was rushing across Pulaski Avenue into St. Isidore’s Church for 7 a.m. Mass when a mother and her two children crossed my path. His words surprised and surrounded me like a voice of revelation in the midst of humdrum day.

Life On Purpose badgeI had a similar word in my heart earlier that morning, as I lay in bed, next to my daughter, Johanna, wondering what the day would bring. An all-too-familiar feeling of heaviness woke me up and caused me some anxiety as I tried to get back to sleep. Then I heard these words in my subconscious, as they crept to the forefront of my mind: “What are you afraid of?” the voice said to me.

After a little while of ignoring the question as I tossed and turned, I got up and took out my journal. It took only minutes for me to write a list of things that I was afraid of.

They were things like money to pay bills and retire, health and health insurance, and obviously wondering what will happen to Johanna as she grows up. Those are all pretty big picture things for me. On any given day, I am afraid that I won’t have the energy to take care of my responsibilities as a wife and mother or that I won’t be able finish writing my book before Johanna has to go back into the hospital. I worry about the mileage on my car (approaching the 200K mark) and if my kids will be able to sustain an income to support themselves in these tumultuous economic times.

That one particular morning, these concerns were definitely weighing heavy on my mind and heart. I was feeling afraid and then I felt guilty for feeling afraid. It was an endless, stupid cycle.

Did you ever have a day like that when you feel so paralyzed by fear that you can’t see a way out? That’s how I was feeling on that morning and I just couldn’t shake it. I wanted to pull the covers up over my head and hide. The good thing about having children, especially children with special needs, is succumbing to the fear and being paralyzed really isn’t an option. Little humans depend on us to keep going. Retreat from reality wasn’t an option that day either. So, I got out of bed, and dragged my fearful heart and mind to daily Mass to talk to God about these fears. He met me there before I even walked in the door of the church, in the faith-filled words of a little boy.

I thought about that statement, “Jesus loves us anyway; even when we are afraid,” as I slipped into a pew at the back of the church. I needed to know that on that rainy morning; Jesus loves me even when I am afraid.

A lot of people have the mistaken image of me that I am fearless; it’s just not true. I struggle with fear and anxiety every day. Most days I win, but sometimes I succumb and give up, but only for a day. I am more afraid of living in fear than of what I have to fear.

At Mass, I handed it all over to Jesus, then I went to the beach with a cup of coffee and took out my list with a better point of view. Contrary to proponents of positive thinking strategies, I like to look at a worst case scenario and consider what could happen and then imagine how I will make it with the Lord’s provision.

The bills, especially the mortgage and the health insurance are on the top of that list, probably because they are the biggest bills we pay. It didn’t take much for me to imagine a worst-case scenario; been there and done that. After my husband lost his career job, we were in foreclosure for two years and almost lost our house. But hard work, prayer and a miraculous turn of events changed all that. Check. After years of having a job with health insurance, I couldn’t even imagine how we were going to purchase it on our own. Then, after purchasing it for a few years, our insurance was terminated. That was an exhausting battle that took every ounce of courage and advocacy skills that I never knew I possessed. God worked through my advocacy and moved the mountains again. Here we are a year later, with a crazy premium, but each month, the Lord provides for the health insurance too. As far as Johanna, she’s one of the biggest reasons I have to be afraid and she’s my greatest inspiration for courage. I found courage in her. She’s the main reason I keep doing what I do.

Jesus said this to his disciples: “Fear is useless. What is needed is trust.” (Luke 8:50)  How true. If I let fear win, I’d never get out of bed. But when I recount and see what God’s done in the past, I remember the value of trust and the truth of one little boy’s faith: Jesus loves us even when we are afraid.

 

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Benthal Eileen hed 14

 

 

Eileen Benthal is a writer, speaker and wellness coach with a B.A. in Theology from Franciscan University. She and her husband Steve live in Jamesport and have four young adult children. Their youngest, Johanna, is a teenager with special needs. Eileen can be reached at FreeIndeedFreelance.com.

 

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Denise Civiletti
Denise is a veteran local reporter and editor, an attorney and former Riverhead Town councilwoman. Her work has been recognized with numerous awards, including a “writer of the year” award from the N.Y. Press Association in 2015. She is a founder, owner and co-publisher of this website.