It’s been slow in coming, but spring has finally sprung, I hope! For some ‘Ceil reason,’ when spring arrives, I always remember a line written by Alfred Lord Tennyson: “In the spring a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love.” Prettied up words, for sure. But, sorry Mr. Tennyson, I beg to differ. Falling in love is not age or gender limited: Young women and folks of a certain age have been known to be bitten by the love bug
But what is love, really ?
In the’50s there was a song recorded by the Playmates titled “What is Love?” According to the trio, “Love is five feet of heaven in a ponytail, the cutest ponytail tail that sways with a wiggle when she walks.” Oh jeez! What do you expect it was the ‘50s! But, nah, that is not love.
When we were kids most of us experienced ‘puppy love’—that first blush of young tender love. Remember that cute guy or gal in your eighth-grade math class? Maybe the gal sported a ponytail. I did. A devilish guy named Peter?…(his last name escapes me,) sat behind me in Sister Josephine’s class. That cutie would delight in pulling on my ponytail and undoing the ribbon—and guess what? I loved it and him!
We all remember our big first-time love affair. It was intoxicating. It was magical. And it was hormones! Some folks settled on that first love and lived happily ever after—and kudos to them! Others like me were lucky enough to fall in love more than once.
But what is the essence of enduring unconditional love? What makes us choose one partner over another? After the feel-good hormones are somewhat mollified and we remove the rose colored glasses, we are able to see our ‘honey’ without distortion. And this is where real love resides, or not. Those little idiosyncrasies, that in the beginning we found charming, could now drive us up the wall. Scientists have proven there is a thin line between love and hate. The same brain chemistry is involved in both emotions. Huh? I leave that to the scientists to explain.
In order to love another person fully, we first have to love ourselves and the world at large. This kind of love is not only relegated to passionate love, we have to be ‘love.’ We need to have the heart and mind to be able to give to another person without a thought of what’s in it for ourselves.
Let me be clear: I am not referring to being a doormat for someone’s issues or being in a co-dependent relationship. These relationships are toxic and arise out of neediness. If one ‘needs’ another person because of dependency issues, they will, unfortunately, tolerate bad or abusive behavior to ward off being abandoned. In my book, there is nothing more ‘alone’ than being in an unhealthy relationship.
Love and infatuation are both intense emotions and are often confused. The experts say that when people are infatuated they are carried away by unreasoning passion or love—addictive love. Infatuation occurs in the beginning of most relationships when sexual attraction is central. A word to the wise: Infatuation usually carries high-risk choices and reckless abandonment of one’s moral values. Whereas enduring love requires genuine commitment to another. We think about the other person’s feelings before acting.
Enduring love requires deep affection, contentment and confidence. Partners communicate and negotiate appropriate expectations regularly. They feel contentment, stability and peace. Love that is unconditional is the real deal.
Unconditional love is a balancing act. Sometimes we extend ourselves to accommodate our partner’s needs, regardless of the outcome. And sometimes, we are the receiver. Receiving unconditional love is a miracle, for sure. In this mad-hatter world we are conditioned to give only in same the measure we have received. The ‘I do for you; you do for me,’ mindset is not love. I have read that unconditional love is not a loan to be repaid, but a string- less gift of the heart—a gesture where only you benefit directly.
Love is a quiet understanding and acceptance of our partner’s ‘perfect imperfections.’ Infatuation is when we find someone absolutely perfect; love is when we realize they are not perfect and it doesn’t matter. William Shakespeare writes the truth: “Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.”
When two souls unite they bring out the best in each other. One will recognize something exceptional in a partner that said partner hides from the world or does not recognize in themselves. Soul mates share not only the bright and the light, but the dark, weak and wounded sides of themselves. They build each other up, not tear each other down. Mutual respect is paramount in fostering a good relationship as well as good chemistry.
Unconditional love is not judgmental, punishing or manipulative. We have all heard stories where one partner strays. The one who strayed is sorry, incredibly sorry, and promises that it will never happen again. And perhaps it doesn’t. However, the injured party feigns forgiveness, but never fails to shine the spotlight on the partner’s indiscretion in sneaky manipulative ways.
There is a popular line from the movie “Love Story” that goes: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” And I say poppycock! C’mon unless we have reached sainthood, we have all done things that demand an apology. And that doesn’t mean repeated performances where we think we are king or queen of the castle and blow off steam whenever we feel angry or frustrated. And to boot, we justify our behavior by the uttering words like: “I’m sorry honey”—words that are a sham and recited by rote.
To love someone unconditionally does not mean its always going to be easy or feel comfortable. Real forgiveness is paramount. If we have been wronged and a proper and sincere apology given and accepted, we need to let it go. Holding on to anger and resentment is like holding a burning coal in our hands. Ouch!
Back to the burning question of the day: “What is love?
In my humble opinion it’s all of the above. But hold on… I know of a reliable source that says: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes always perseveres.”
Maybe this is all we need to know!
Celia Iannelli is a native New Yorker enjoying a second career — in ‘retirement’ — as a freelance writer. She lives in Jamesport.
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