I’d like to discuss my family’s dirty laundry. I don’t mean that metaphorically. I want to discuss their actual dirty laundry.
In the last week, I started a new project. I’ve decided to document, sometimes with photos, the crazy places my family members leave and/or hide the dirty clothes that they remove from their bodies. I was inspired to work on this endeavor when I found dirty laundry in several crazy places around my home.
Let’s start with the fact that none of these places was a laundry hamper. I have a laundry hamper in every bedroom in my home. They are large, easily accessible and solely designated for dirty laundry. And if, for some reason, any member of my family were struck with laundry hamper blindness, the washing machine is another acceptable location for dirty clothes. It is centrally located in the bathroom, where much of the dirty clothes removal happens.
And yet, the places I found dirty laundry this past week were far removed from these civilized, and sanitary, options. I would like to offer a sampling of the locations in which I discovered these gems of filth and putrescence. I discovered dirty socks on the couch, the arm of the couch, the floor under the computer, under pillows (in case feet got cold in the middle of the night), inside boots, the radiator, the floor adjacent to the radiator and even, God help me, the dining room table. Let me repeat that. I found dirty, smelly, 14-hours-on-working-feet socks, on the edge of my dining room table. The fact that all of my family survived that incident is proof that I am going to heaven.
And that was just the socks.
I found a sweatshirt on the floor, balled up, behind an easy chair in the family room. When I unearthed this artifact in a fit of rage, I was asked, “Where did you find that? I’ve been looking for it for weeks!”
I would like to address several issues here. One, the sweatshirt did not put itself there. Two, judging by the shape in which I found the item, it had been purposely shoved there. There was no evidence to support the claim that it had magically transplanted itself to said location. Three, if an item of clothing, that you knew you had shoved under a chair, was there for a prolonged period of time, would you not, eventually, collect it? There were plenty of times that the accused was home alone and had the opportunity to retrieve the offending sweatshirt. And yet, it was me, weeks later, who discovered the pet-hair-covered garment — sparking my immediate fury.
Let that sink in while we continue on this journey of discovery. It was a long, strange trip. Though I have developed a distinctive twitch over the “on vs. in” the hamper scenario, there is a special place in my blackened heart for the on-the-floor-in-front-of-the-washer situation. I mean, for the love of all that is good and holy, why can’t they put the clothing in the damn machine? It’s so close that it’s like they’re trying to send me to the asylum. Seriously. I could start frothing at the mouth.
And for the piece de resistance in my exhibit, there were the assorted filthy items in the back of my car: socks, leg-warmers and school sweaters were among the homeless-person-in-training collection. If only I had the wherewithal to steal a shopping cart…
Let me go back here and start by defining the laundry requirements of the people who reside in my home. Once per week, they must bring me their respective dirty laundry hampers. There is a turnaround time of approximately 48 to 72 hours, at which time they will receive the clothing, washed, dried, folded and stacked in piles according to drawer designation. It is then the responsibility of the owner of these items to take the clothing to the place in which it resides and then return the basket to me, so we can once again repeat the process.
That being said, I am regularly thwarted in my endeavors. Instead, uniforms are hysterically brought to me the night before they are required (remember, I have no dryer) and underwear-less people roam the house like uncomfortable aborigines. That basket of folded, appropriately stacked laundry, instead of being put away, ends up picked-at and rifled-through so that by week’s end, it resembles a donation bin that has spewed its contents into the parking lot in which it resides.
I think they are plotting to have me committed.
But you know what? The joke’s on them. If I go away to my happy place, they are on their damn own, laundry and all. Meanwhile, I’ll have someone not just cooking all my meals, but cutting them up and feeding them to me, as well. Check. Mate.
Between the horrible weather and my fragile mental state, I’ve come up with a quick craft to do with children — and adults who should not be around sharp items. You’ll need to get a few things from the store.
Decorative Box
1 wooden or plastic box (you choose the size)
Craft glue
assorted tiles, beads and other decorative items
Use the glue to attach the decorative pieces to the outside of the box. You can work free form, or draw a design beforehand, and transfer to the box. Let your imagination guide you and don’t be afraid to get a little crazy.
If you choose a large box (like a plastic bin), perhaps it can be used as a personalized laundry hamper. Then, if you’re lucky, it won’t be invisible to those who created it.
Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street.
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