Home Life Laurie Nigro Why I hate school science fairs (and what to do with a...

Why I hate school science fairs (and what to do with a 3 lb. box of Borax)

Choosing to send my kids to school, after exclusively homeschooling, was not an easy decision. They had never had to sit at a desk, take a test or navigate group learning environments. Would they succeed and thrive in their new surroundings or crash and burn in a pool of their own failure? Of course, no one knows the future and sometimes you have to trust that the skills with which you’ve provided your children will help them excel in any situation.

Nigro hed badgeFor the most part, it’s been a wildly successful venture. Academically, they are having a wonderful and enriching experience. Socially, they are figuring out the many complexities of the tween and teen years. I think we could all do without the whole alarm clock thing, but life is full of alarm clocks, so it’s not a bad skill to have.

We have enjoyed field trips and winter concerts, book fairs and field days. For most of the 10 months my children are in school, I feel confident we made the right decision for our family.

And then the letter comes home, the letter that is like a dagger through my heart, the letter that covers my whole house with a pall of misery and sadness.

“Dear parents, we’re excited to announce the date for this year’s Science Fair!”

The rest of the letter is just a blur of useless symbols accompanied by details and dates I prefer to ignore. I hate the science fair like a Yankees fan hates the Red Sox. Or better yet, like a Red Sox fan hates the Yankees (since we have all those extra World Series wins and all.)

Don’t get me wrong, I love science. I adore the science teacher and support her in every other endeavor. However, when it comes to the science fair, I want to throw a tantrum of epic proportions. I want to scream like a two-year-old who is demanding that you retrieve the matchbox car he just dropped down the sewer grate. I want to drink heavily and curl up in the fetal position.

I’m not sure who invented the science fair, but I think that person should have to come to any home, of any family, in the world, the night before the science fair. And for good measure, stay the night and help the children get on the bus with a three-foot trifold, a presentation folder and a glass mason jar full of moldy apples.

From beginning to end, it’s an exercise in misery.

First, “you must choose a project that involves the scientific method and incorporates blah blah blah blah.” How creative can you really get? Not only do the rules specifically forbid messes, fire and/or explosions of any kind, as I mentioned, the kids have to carry this tripe on the bus. So, it has to be fairly compact and safe for the general population. Let’s be honest here, that eliminates just about every single good project.

Once you’ve made it through the exhaustive process of finding a project that hasn’t been done by 368 thousand other children AND has no chance of harming anyone or anything, you have to buy the supplies. This year, my oldest asked for milligram weights; one milligram, 10 milligrams and so forth. Generally, a milligram of anything is almost impossible to see with the naked eye. And yet, this measurement had been approved for the science fair project. I had to improvise. So I bought him paper clips. There were small ones, medium-sized ones and large ones. Close enough.

Science fair projects are conducted, in their entirety, at home. Other than granting approval for the topic, the teacher does nothing more until judgment day. All responsibility for time management, goal-setting and finally, delivery, falls squarely on the shoulders of the student. Which, in my house, translates to, “for the next month, mom will become the Queen of the Harpies.”

When the weeping and gnashing of teeth has finally come to an end and the projects are neat and complete, it is time to bring the end result to school. Because I legitimately cannot figure out the logistics of carrying a three-foot cardboard trifold, the experiment materials and the report, all while wearing a 62 pound backpack, I drive my kids to school on judgment day. Even then, it’s a little dicey.

This year, my daughter fell ill and was unable to attend school that day. However, since the experiments are displayed and judged all in one day, it was imperative that I carry the torch and make sure hers landed, safe and sound, on her teacher’s desk.

Life doesn’t stop for the science fair, so the morning of delivery was like any other morning. There was breakfast to be made, lunches to be packed, and showers to be taken. No bus meant I had to rearrange my prep time for work and then there was the added bonus of caring for an ill child.

As I tried desperately to pull myself together in time and get the science fair projects packed in the car, I clung to the last drops of my caffeinated beverage. So much so, that the tea bag in the bottom of my over-tilted mug smacked me in the mouth and sent tea dripping onto my dress. So, I grabbed a nearby scarf and wrapped it in such a way that it hung strategically over the stain. Because the car was running and I was supposed to have pulled out of the driveway six minutes ago.

The end result is misery for all. I mean, maybe the kids learn something, but the information could have been just as easily imparted with a homework assignment. Then, no one would be required to run around like a mom with a serious caffeine problem, searching for Borax at 8:15 p.m.

If you do find Borax, it’s generally sold in a large box of about three or more pounds. Your child’s experiment will not require that much borax. Unless she is building a crystal house. But I’m not sure you could purchase enough pipe cleaners for that project and really, how would that fit on the bus? However, there are many great uses for this common item. Years ago, I shared a recipe for homemade laundry detergent. Another good use is to make a “Goo Gone” type cleaner, for when the science experiment overflows onto your floor.

Goo Remover

Mix together Borax and water in a 2-to-1 ratio. Rub on to remove sticky, nasty, adhesive residue.

Good luck and may the science-fair force be with you.

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Laurie Nigro
Laurie is the mother of two biological children and one husband and the caretaker of a menagerie of animals. Laurie is passionate about frugal, natural living. She was recognized by the L.I. Press Club with a “best humor column” award in 2016. Email Laurie