I am not a fan of last-minute shopping. For many years, my Christmas list was complete before Thanksgiving. However, my desire to be frugal overwhelmed my desire to be done shopping before the madness of the holiday season was in full swing and I learned to wait for post-Thanksgiving Day sales; Black Friday, Small Business 
Saturday and Cyber Monday have all claimed a role in my Christmas prep. But still, it’s rare that I am not either finished shopping or at least know exactly what I will be buying, by December 1.
I’m always pretty proud of myself, too. I maintain a certain smugness as I listen to others lament all the shopping they have left, not really understanding how they managed their time so poorly, silently judging them.
Until December 23. Which is when I realize that all those gifts that I purchased and hid away weeks before, are not wrapped, and that there are less than 36 hours until I need to start handing out brightly bedazzled packages to various family members.
Mind you, this was not a one-time faux pas that kept me scrambling around, digging through the closet for tags and ribbon. No, I do this every year. Every. Year. And each year, I am shocked by my own stupidity.
“How could I have possibly done this again? Didn’t last year’s drunk wrapping teach me anything?”
Because that’s what happens when I find myself in wrapping hell.
Before I pull out the rolls of pretty paper, line up the scissors, tape and bags and start dragging the gifts from their various hiding spots, I pour the wine. Because I have to wait for the kids to fall asleep and by then, it’s usually way too late for any rational human being to be starting anything coherent.
I know, alcohol is a depressant and it’s counterintuitive to expect that it will keep me awake. But really, that’s not my goal. I’m just hoping the wine will help take the misery out of my wrapping marathon. If I manage to stay awake, well that’s just an added bonus.
You may wonder why this chore falls on my shoulders alone. I do have a husband and it seems reasonable to expect that he would help me. But it’s not reasonable. Because, keep in mind, it’s December 23. And Brian works on Christmas Eve. As it turns out, working with dangerous tools goes more smoothly when you’re awake enough to remember what the dangerous tool is intended to do.
Also, there’s the issue of what gifts wrapped by Brian actually look like. Think, “toddler got hold of the paper recycling bin and some tape” mixed with a little, “angry chimp escaped from the zoo and ransacked my wrapping paper closet,” and you’ll have a basic picture of my husband’s finished gifts.
There is almost always newspaper involved, just in case you needed to gaze upon the mug shot of an accused rapist whilst opening your new slippers. And you’ll be lucky if you can get through the seven yards of tape that has been wrapped around the package 48 times, strangling your poor Dearfoams.
No, it’s better for everyone if I do the wrapping. Except it’s not better for me. Because my wrapping sessions have lasted upwards of three hours. So there is wine. And even blacked out drunk, I wrap better than Brian.
If you’ve also found yourself giggling at Rudolph’s preposterous nose or pondering the meaning of Frosty the Snowman’s existence (isn’t it kind of cruel for him to work himself into the hearts of young children when he knows he has but days to live?) while considering how to wrap the stuffed dinosaur that’s the same size as you and contemplating putting it in the driver’s seat of the car and giving both the dino and car to your 11-year-old, just start shoving stuff into bags. Christmas bags, birthday bags, garbage bags, it all works if you stick a red bow on it. However, if you’re one of those “good parents” and put time and effort into wrapping gifts, why not go all the way and make your own wrapping paper? It’s both eco-friendly and cost-effective.
Just pick up some brown postal paper or rolls of craft paper. Either use holiday-themed stamps to decorate the paper or you can free-hand draw or paint a design. Even stickers work. The end result will be a thoughtful and warm expression of your love (and my inadequacy). Happy holidays.
Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street.
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