Do you ever lie awake at night, thinking about something you said, wondering which of your brain synapses failed, allowing you to sound like a complete idiot? The other day, I made a total ass of myself. Though I’m sure this happens more than I know, this time I became aware of it just long enough after the fact that it was too late to do anything about it. So instead, I stared at my ceiling, thinking about what I should have, could have – but did not – say.
Even while I’m rehashing the situation from every angle, I know it’s a useless loss of sleep. Though I tell myself I will send an email or text the next day, with a witty, self-deprecating apology, in reality, I won’t. Because that act itself is fraught with pitfalls.
What if I make it worse? Because I’ve done this. While trying to explain myself, “Oh, by the way, the other day, when I told you my kid is a genius, I didn’t mean your kid isn’t a genius, it just sounded that way,” I’ve found it doesn’t have the desired effect. I end up stumbling over a ridiculous explanation that feels like one of those long, painfully embarrassing Seinfeld moments that just keep getting more and more cringe-worthy with every word I sputter. You can actually see the other person shrinking away from me.
Or what if I point it out, and the other person hadn’t even been aware of my earlier idiocy, and all I do is bring attention to it? Where before they were oblivious, now they’re like, “Hey, I hadn’t realized it before, but wow, she’s some kind of moron.”
Of course there’s also the possibility that they were aware of my perceived transgression, but it hadn’t been a problem for them, until I start rehashing it, lamely trying to explain my intention. At which point, they start to figure out that I’m either a few cards short of a full deck, or just an ass. Regardless of which way they lean, neither is the best way to win friends and influence people.
And whenever I create these awkward scenes, whether real or imagined, I dread seeing the person again. I’d rather go through pneumonia and potty training my children a second time than have to read the situation to see if we’re cool or if I’m their newest frenemy. (OK, maybe not the potty training, but definitely the pneumonia.) Sometimes, I just blurt out how awkward I feel and nervously laugh until we’re all super-uncomfortable. This is why I don’t go out much.
It does not help my insomnia to have a husband who cannot, in anyway, understand where I’m coming from. He has never said anything that he wouldn’t say again. Usually, proudly. There have been times where he is snoring with a vigor that only one with a clear conscience (or severe sleep apnea) can manage, while I lay awake, worrying for him.
“Do you think you were maybe a little harsh back there?”
“What? When?”
“When? Just now! I’m pretty sure that guy was sharp enough to understand the, ‘about as sharp as a marble’ comment.”
“Nah, he knew I was just kidding.”
“Really? Cause I’m wondering how he figured that out when he’s known you for about no minutes and 37 seconds.”
“It’s no big deal. Stop freaking out.”
And just like that, it’s over. He will never speak of it again and if I bring it back up, he will literally have no idea what I’m talking about. It must be nice to be so affable and unassuming that you can get away with this behavior. With no lasting effects. Of any kind.
So while he sleeps the sleep of an unencumbered toddler after a three day sugar bender, I spend a few hours developing a pancake-sized ulcer and trying to figure out how long I can stay in the house without people starting to think I’m agoraphobic.
And in the end, if he has angered or alienated anyone, it doesn’t matter. Because two things will happen; one, he will not remember anything of the prior exchange, which allows for two, he will speak to the person as if they’re lifelong friends which will lead to them mentally blaming themselves for blowing things out of proportion and my husband will quickly have a new bestie. I mean, WTH??
I have yet to decide if he’s really that clueless or actually a calculating genius. I’m leaning towards the former, but he may surprise me yet. Until then, I will self medicate my burgeoning ulcer.
If you have, or suspect you have, an actual ulcer, please see your doctor. For real. And then, according to goaskalice.columbia.edu (http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/answered-questions/natural-ulcer-remedies), “The University of Maryland Medical Center recommends herbs such as DGL-licorice, mastic, and cranberry for relieving ulcer symptoms.” Or you could just never speak and/or leave the house again. I feel like both could work.
Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street in Riverhead.
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