Having discussed some of the harsh challenges that confront our children in school, let’s turn our attention to what many — too many — face at home, and a formula that can help seemingly hopeless situations.
The family unit on the North Fork and all over America has changed dramatically, and the children in these changing family structures have a tough time of it. This is especially true for the children in single-parent households where a parent has died, 
or where the parents are separated, or never start a household together at the time of their children’s birth. It’s a growing trend where parents have children at random, and then go their separate ways. With separated parents, in single-parent households, the child deals with enormous pressures that most two-parent homes never face.
A 2004 study published in the “Journal of Research on Adolescence” tells us that youngsters in father-absent households face higher risks of incarceration, dropping out of school and poverty than in homes with both parents. It’s worth noting that poverty in Suffolk County and across America, particularly among children, has been at a record high for the last five years, a grim reality consistently unmentioned in all these suspiciously rosy, economic reports of late.
The U.S. Census Bureau reports that in the early 1960s, nearly 90 percent of all children in the U.S. were living with both biological parents until the kids reached adulthood. Today, less than one-half do so. Nearly one-third are born to unmarried parents or who separate/divorce before the children reach adulthood. Some of the adults in their lives sincerely believe that “extended family” can compensate for a low-profile, or absent parent, but data gathered by such organizations as Kids Count largely disprove this, confirming what research starting back in the 1970s, right up to the present, tells us: Far too many children from single parent households suffer considerably lower achievement.
Without question, there are true success stories to be found among children who grow up with one parent, while the other parent is a visiting part of, or no part of their lives. So many single parents, with mythic strength, fill the crucial role of both loving parents. But the burden on one parent to be a mentor, and work to provide for the child, to help each day with the child’s school work, to monitor the constant threats from social media, is a huge and too often impossible task.
That brings us to family court, the emergency room of the court system, where the judges often make decisions with lifetime impact. The NYS Family Court Act gives huge authority to the judge of that court. The judge does it alone, as there are no juries in family court. No other court has so much left to the judge. In addition to child and educational neglect cases, juvenile delinquency, adoptions, child protective cases, termination of parental rights (the court’s most significant power), child support, and so much more, this court routinely decides which of great numbers of separated parents will have custody of their children.
In deciding literally thousands of custody cases, one judge, who will remain nameless, put together a set of helpful rules for raising children of separated parents after what he saw every day. Over the years, he gave out this list to people appearing in family court, often making the list a part of a custody order. These rules are listed below, and while they seem simple, common sense, they are often hard for the parents to follow. But when they do, the kids have a far better chance to thrive, and they learn the disappearing value of respect. Moreover, the relationships that lie in these children’s own future can be stronger, because their connection to both of their parents has been stronger.
These rules, an even dozen of them, are simply worded. They are worth sharing with anyone you know who fills the arduous role of a single parent, living or only visiting with his/her kids, with either sole or shared custody. Further, this formula helps with the child’s upbringing whether or not the family has become a family court case. In fact, adhering to these rules may well prevent divided parents and their kids from becoming a family court case.
When parents live apart, the best rules for raising their children are as follows:
- Let them love both parents without feeling guilty, and let them never have to choose sides;
- Let them hear nothing about any legal battles between their parents;
- Let them be spared any grilling questions about time spent with the other parent, and have privacy when on the telephone with either parent;
- Let them choose to express, or not express, certain feelings;
- Let them be protected from witnessing bitter arguments or violence between parents;
- Let them hear nothing bad or negative about either parent’s personality, behavior or character;
- Let them be spared any pressure to tell the other parent anything that is untrue;
- Let them have both parents informed of the child’s school events, team events, ceremonies, or problems of an academic, medical, legal or emotional nature;
- Let them never be a messenger from one parent to the other;
- Let them live within the same rules of discipline and the same limits at both households;
- Let them know the identity of the parent who is absent from their lives;
- Let them have their rightful child support and visitation from the parent who does not have custody.
Yes, there might be some exceptions for these rules, such as where the non-custodial parent poses a serious risk to the child if there were to be visitation between them. But even then, unless an extreme situation, its best to try to address the risk with dependable, and possibly mutually agreeable, supervision of visitation. After all, a duty that goes with custody is to assure that the child have contact and a meaningful relationship with the non-custodial parent. So much is at stake with this.
For parents whose lives together have taken this troubled turn, we have a proven formula that is one of the best things they can do for their children. It takes a lasting commitment of heart and spirit. It’s all about setting aside the anxieties that the parents may share towards each other, and putting the child first. Finally, let the kids, and their moms and dads, reflect on this closing thought: “To be born innocent is natural, but to die pure of heart is a gift.”
Greg Blass has spent his life in public service since he enlisted in the U.S. Navy as a teenager. He has worked in the private sector as an attorney and served six terms representing the East End in the Suffolk County Legislature, where he was also presiding officer. Greg has worked as an adjunct professor at Suffolk County Community College, as Greenport village attorney, as N.Y. State family court judge and as Suffolk County social services commissioner. Now retired, Greg is active in volunteer work and is a member of the board of directors of several charities. A resident of Jamesport, he and his wife Barbara have two grown children.
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