I’m not really a friendly person. I don’t like to be in large groups and I’m not a huge fan of other people. I find it exhausting to figure out and manage the moods and emotions of others and am usually in need of a nap and/or drink by the time I have extricated myself and returned home. I am even less inclined to like people online. I find they are often far more cruel and wicked than they would be in person. I am regularly shocked and appalled by the words people put together and then toss at others, like hand grenades of hate.
But regardless of whether or not I like people (and I often do not), I still try to be nice. Sometimes, even friendly. Because it’s the right thing to do. Do we not remember one of the most basic tenets of being a good person? Didn’t we all learn this as small children? Didn’t we parents teach this to our own small children (and possibly had to remind our big kids)?
Treat others like you would like to be treated.
That’s really it. If we can follow that rule, the rest of it sort of falls into place. Does it feel good to be on the receiving end of someone’s bad mood? Isn’t it better when someone pays you an unsolicited compliment? Or to be the recipient of a random act of kindness? The answer is yes. It’s always yes.
Of course, there are a couple more rules that it wouldn’t hurt to consider, as well. Like, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Believe me, I regularly have lots of things to say, not nice and otherwise. But part of being an adult is learning when you should and should not say those things.
Most often, the answer is that we should not say the things. Even if we think it’s going to feel really good to do it, it’s not worth it. Even if, or especially if, the other person started it. As a matter of fact, try saying that out loud the next time you get into it with someone, “She started it.” Then, consider that you are an adult and perhaps this is not the most becoming behavior.
When dealing with particularly trying personalities, I try to remind my kids (and myself) that we have not walked a mile in the other person’s shoes. We have no idea which personal demons may be tormenting them on that day. The older I get, the more I realize how lucky I am to have been born into the life that I have. Sure, I’ve had to make my own choices to be who I am, but I never had to worry that I may not have a roof over my head. I’ve never gone without heat or electricity. I’ve never had to go to bed hungry (except for that time I flipped off my dad when I was fourteen. But really, I totally deserved that one.)
These are actual concerns for people who we encounter on a regular basis. And even if you think the person has it all — the nice house, the fancy car, the latest everything — maybe they’ve just lost someone they love or had to rush their dog to the vet or maybe they have a toothache. Those things really suck. Seriously. A bad tooth can make an otherwise nice person a real jackass.
Yes, it’s also possible they are just a wretched human, not worthy of your time or attention. So don’t give it to them. The worst thing we can give to bullies, curmudgeons and otherwise crotchety jerks is the satisfaction of knowing they’ve gotten to us. Misery loves lots of company. Excise these people from your life. I mean, if you’ve done all the things you know are right, maybe it’s time to move on and away. It doesn’t have to be some big, dramatic ending, à la Braveheart. Definitely, don’t behead and then quarter them. I’m certain that is not legal. Plus, it’s really just overkill. Just walk away. Much cleaner, too.
And when you don’t have the luxury of kicking idiots to the curb (or just kicking them), kill them with kindness. There is something rather satisfying about the look on the face of the Queen or King of Nasty when you’re really nice to them. Plus, they’ll probably just stand there, confused and uncertain, while you eat the last donut in the breakroom. A total win/win.
In the end, what you put out into the world is what you get back, which is probably why grumpy people are so miserable. They often seem shocked when something good comes their way. I guess when you live in a pool of perpetual negativity, you don’t expect anyone to throw you a lifeline. Unless they’re trying to hit you with it. But I have found that if you do toss a line, most people take it. I’m not saying you’ll have a new best friend, but you may get them to start swimming.
Regardless of how other people react to me, I still choose to be nice — like 93 percent of the time (nobody’s perfect). Because it just feels better. One-upping the haters puts you on their playing field. And it’s a really crappy game. Seriously. It sucks. I mean, have you ever lain in bed at night, unable to sleep because you’re replaying all the super nice words you said to someone? Not likely. But I bet there’ve been at least one or two times that it’s happened when the words weren’t so nice.
I’m not suggesting letting others walk all over you. That’s also a terrible idea. Footprints are a completely gauche fashion statement. However, taking the high road, whenever possible, usually gets better results. Plus, you get to look down on everyone else. (It’s a joke.)
When you’re on the brink of losing your shite, you can always break out your emergency stress relief kit. Simplywellcoaching.com has some great suggestions for pulling yourself back from the edge. If nothing else, the look on your stressor’s face when you start running in place (or doing jumping jacks) while they’re being a jerk, will be worth every bit of time and energy spent on the kit. I’m totally doing that next time.
